At Helicopter Mom, we believe that Dog Moms and fur babies should be banned from public life. Here’s why.

No. 1: Babies are born human. You don’t have to pretend.

The only reason that people think dogs are cute is because of the things they do that register to us instinctually as being like the things that babies do. A dog’s whines and sighs pale in comparison to a child’s insightful babbles and delighted exclamations. Your dog may learn to shake hands, but your child can learn mathematics and to play the piano.

No. 2: Let’s be real. Dogs are gross.

Dogs roll in dead things… with relish. They stink, shed and track dirt into your house. They befoul your yard with holes, ruined landscaping and piles of waste. They lick themselves in unspeakable places and then try to lick you and your children in the face. Dogs don’t grow up to help you around the house, but they do make your house dirty and ruin your carpets. To those dog advocates who look down on babies because they need their diapers changed and faces wiped a few times a day, we say, checkmate.

No. 3: Dogs are not children and having a dog does not make you a parent.

We rightly feel a sense of uncomfortable bizarreness when we see a woman treating a dog like a child: pushing it in a stroller, nuzzling it rapturously on a bed, or kissing its head with perverse zest. The exploitative pet market continues to implode with comically repulsive items like chest carriers for emotionally compromised women to “baby wear” their dogs. We feel pathos when we see a car with a Who Rescued Who; Proud Dog Grandma; or My Dog Is Smarter Than Your Honor Student bumper sticker.

If you have a child, you understand how grotesque it is to treat a dog like a child and how a child is infinitely more complex than a dog. A parent forms a child in the likeness of God and protects them from evil to their eternal credit; a dog owner makes material provisions to a beast for the comforts common to all mammals.

No. 4: Dogs don’t actually make people happy, despite signaling to the contrary. 

In examining this point, it’s important to exercise some sensitivity to the wrecked state of our society. The spiritual lacks of modern man are unrelenting. Unhappy, damaged, lonely people are everywhere, often turning to “fur babies” for comfort. Having abjured the loving and rational basis of their existence, God, the emptiness they are left with is poignant and causes emotional desperation.

The dog has become a cultural idol for self-medicating this piteous state, providing a warm, nonjudgmental presence to those who have closed themselves off to God’s love, or who have suffered at the hands of their fellow man. However, none but God’s love satisfies. The “fur baby” phenomenon would not need such ardent defense if it was fulfilling, neither would its advocates desperately post selfies portraying their happiness with their animals if they were in fact, happy.

5. Dogs are not rational beings. 
Neopagan people’s spiritual faculties are so degenerated that they fail to discriminate the animal from the human, both in their orientation to pets and in their concupiscent lifestyles. St. Athanasius writes in Against the Heathen:

“For now the understanding of mankind leaped asunder from God; and going lower in their ideas and imaginations, they gave the honour due to God first to the heaven and the sun and moon and the stars, thinking them to be not only gods, but also the causes of the other gods lower than themselves. Then, going yet lower in their dark imaginations, they gave the name of gods to the upper æther and the air and the things in the air. Next, advancing further in evil, they came to celebrate as gods the elements and the principles of which bodies are composed, heat and cold and dryness and wetness. 2. But just as they who have fallen flat creep in the slime like land-snails, so the most impious of mankind, having fallen lower and lower from the idea of God, then set up as gods men, and the forms of men, some still living, others even after their death. Moreover, counselling and imagining worse things still, they transferred the divine and supernatural name of God at last even to stones and stocks, and creeping things both of land and water, and irrational wild beasts, awarding to them every divine honour, and turning from the true and only real God, the Father of Christ.”

Whereas a dog is not a rational being and is therefore not capable of love, a human child is made in the image and likeness of God, who is supreme love and rationality Himself.

No. 6: The dog does not have personality, except that which its master gifts to it.

C.S. Lewis, writing about animal pain in The Problem of Pain, observes that the only self a domestic animal has is derivative of its master:

“Man was appointed by God to have dominion over the beasts, and everything a man does to an animal is either a lawful exercise, or a sacrilegious abuse, of an authority by divine right…

Now it will be seen that, in so far as the tame animal has a real self or personality, it owes this almost entirely to its master. If a good sheepdog seems “almost human” that is because a good shepherd has made it so.”

The modern dog owner does not give lawful exercise over his dog, but bends the dog into freakish proportions outside of its nature. The dog is a creature made to take orders from a master, not to be coddled like a child, which makes it neurotic. At its best, the dog is ennobled not by its own self as the “dogs are better than people” crowd would have it, but by a master who understands the importance of hierarchy and is not dependent on the dog, but on whom the dog depends.

No. 7: Babies continue your family. Dogs don’t.  

While Fido may last 12 years before being buried in your backyard, your child could live to be 100, give you grandchildren, and take care of you in your old age. Doggie daycare (~$40/day), pet insurance (~$25/month), boutique dog food (~$40/month) and expensive grooming visits decadently burn up your bank account. However, every penny you spend on your child, every moment of your time and mote of yourself that you give to them, redounds to both of you tenfold, and to the glory of God.

Dogs can enrich a childhood, defend your home and hearth, help the handicapped, and serve man in important functions like agriculture, disasters and warfare. However, dogs are ultimately pets and servants, and while their companionship can be enjoyable, only children can continue civilization and your family line.

Please say a prayer for those who are lost in the idolatry of the pet culture after you read this!

2 Comments on “7 Reasons Babies Are Better Than Dogs (Duh)

  1. “A parent forms a child in the likeness of God and protects them from evil to their eternal credit; a dog owner makes material provisions to a beast for mere mammalian comfort.”

    FAVORITE LINE. This article is SO TRUE and wonderfully written. That being said, as a Muslim, God told us to stay away from dogs — but you’ve outlined to me exactly why. Thank you!


  2. Inshalla, Helicopter Moms
    I am glad to see you too have understood the unclean nature of the canine filth. ABSOLUTELY HARAM.
    Thank you for your beautiful words which bring glory to Mohammed Vandal (PBUH).
    ALLAHU AKBAR! Soon we will re-establish the rightful order of women and finally bring about WHITE SHARIA.


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